Russian Wife – For Better or Worse

By | December 1, 2009

In some cases worse. That is when a man marries the wrong woman, or sometimes when a guy is clueless. The reasons can vary; some people just get it wrong. Read this tale and see what you think:

I feel the need to tell my story. It’s the story of my marriage to a Russian lady. A marriage I thought was perfect which has descended into a futile exercise of tolerance on my part of a woman so pig headed, manipulative and selfish I can’t believe.

It’s a bit of a read but in order to get an idea of from where we started to where we are today I thought it best to include our full history.

Anyway, it was 4 years ago and I met my now wife through an agency. Right away I felt a special connection with her. She was charming, funny and sweet. We had a number of dates and within a week I knew she was the one for me. However I did not rush in and propose straight away. Instead I returned home and we would correspond with each other for another six months until I flew over to see her again.

When I flew over to see her I met with her family. I didn’t do this the first time around and I wanted to do this to get her mothers blessing before I proposed to her. Knowing that her mother approved I proposed to her. She accepted and we went off and organized the visa for her to come live with me.

Six months later she got her visa and arrived in my country. It was great having her with me at last and everything was brilliant in my life. I took a couple of weeks off and showed her around, getting her acquainted with where I live and introducing her to my friends. Everybody loved her and the general comment was how sweet she was. We were both inseparable.

About 3 weeks after arriving she had a conversation with her mother. Both her mother and her were devout Orthodox Christians. Her mother told her that it was sinful for her to be sleeping with me while we were not husband and wife. So she told me we could not have sex again until we got married and we should get married as soon as possible. Instead of having a well planned wedding a few months later we got married in a rush a week later. None of my family was able to attend as they all live overseas and it was on far too short notice.

Anyway, we got married and things were going well apart from the occasional bouts of homesickness she would have. I would always be there to comfort her through this. We were very much in love and things seemed perfect. About four months into our marriage I lost my job and decided to move to another city were the job prospects were better. However it took about 6 weeks to find a job and the move and period of unemployment drained our savings. Throughout this period she was very supportive and I thought what a brilliant wife I have. Eventually found a job and the money I was on was significantly higher than I was at my previous role and things started picking up for us.

The wife was adapting well to the new city and they had excellent services for immigrants. She found one place that found her employment if she wanted it. She decided to take the job offer just to get something on her resume. It wasn’t much of a job. Just a factory job but the money was reasonable. It would last for 6 weeks. For the first week she was not too bad but a habit of coming home and moaning and complaining about her day started and gradually got worse. She would complain up to 2 or 3 hours about her day. It was the first signs of a personality she had kept well hidden but I didn’t think too much of it at the time because I have had horrible jobs myself and done my share of bitching in the past.

Eventually she quit the job. I had been telling her for a few weeks beforehand that we didn’t need the money and if you don’t like it leave and eventually she did. We managed to save all the money she made and put it aside for a holiday. However she had a family tragedy and needed to return to Russia. So we decided she would use this money to return to Russia which she did for 7 weeks.

It was tough being apart for 7 weeks and I really missed her. I managed to meet some other western men-russian women couples while she was away and when she returned I introduced her to them.

We had been together for a little over a year now. The wife had now established a network of friends through the Russian church she attended and also through the couples we met. She had begun language classes to improve her grammar and spelling and was adjusting really well. For the next few months things were great then she started getting a little homesick. She would begin to get a little irritable then a little more and a little more. It was a pattern which would repeat. She said she needed a break and to return home so I agreed and off she went back to Russia for 4 weeks.

She returned from Russia all fresh and renewed. Things were fine but she wasn’t happy living where we were. I lived a suburban lifestyle and she didn’t like the suburbs much. They were way too quiet and she likened it to living in a dacha. So we moved to a more busier cosmopolitan suburb as there were only the two of us and no children. The travel was less to my work so it worked out well.

Shortly after I moved my job finished up and because of the time of year (Christmas) it took 2 months to find a new job. With the recent trip to Russia and the cost of the move our savings had been depleted. To compound things my parents were visiting. They had yet to meet the wife as both my parents lived abroad, although they were separated. The plan was for them to attend the wedding and meet her there but the marriage was done so hastily this never happened.

First my father visited and then my mother. Despite the tough times we were going through the wife was a perfect hostess. She was kind, helpful, polite and charming. Both parents loved her to bits and congratulated me on finding such wonderful woman. It couldn’t have gone better. I started a new job while the mum visited and everything was back on track or so I thought.
Soon after the parents left, the wife decided she wanted a trip home again. This was despite the fact our savings were depleted. I explained this to her but she didn’t seem to care. Then I suggested that maybe she find a job to help pay for her trip. Not an unreasonable request by any means but the reaction I got was astonishing. She tore shreds out of me, told me how it was the mans job to provide the income and to never ask that she find a job again. She also had a go at me about my credit card debt. Most of which was for the trips to Russia.

After the job episode and being told I couldn’t afford to send her to Russia, a change in attitude begun. She would be more argumentative and moody than I had seen her before. She even threatened to divorce me and return to Russia a few times. If I knew what I do now I would have bought her a one way ticket gladly. Eventually I bought her a ticket with my credit card going further into debt. We had agreed a long time before to not use the credit cards at all unless absolutely necessary but she insisted we go into further debt to send her home.

During this time one key incident did happen. She was volunteering at church and one of the ladies there gave her a verbal spraying. This woman had her back turned to the wife and didn’t realise who she was talking to. When she did she was shocked and apologetic for her behaviour because she thought of my wife like a daughter but the wife was taken back by this and didn’t forgive her. I spent a week comforting her. She would stop volunteering for the church after that. I discovered from this how unforgiving she could be.

Finally she had her trip to Russia. She went for 6 weeks. To be honest half of me was glad to see her gone. I saw a side in her in the two to three months leading up to the trip I did not like. It was a pattern that would get worse. She would be great when she came from Russia. First 4 months nice as can be then she would gradually get worse and worse to live with.

She came back from Russia and things were sweet again. About a month after she came back my contract finished but I had a new job lined up. However fate was not kind and the two days before I was to start my new job AIG collapsed. Suddenly my new job disappeared and I was left looking for a job at the start of the financial crisis.

It would take 7 weeks to find a new job. During this time I registered for unemployment and the wife was now eligible as well to register. Part of the registration process was to register with a job agency and after the wife done this within 24 hours they found a part time job for her just 10 minutes walk from home.

She started this job and like before the first week was fine but the bitching would begin gradually. About 3 weeks into her job I got offered a job. As soon as I started the wife made a decision to quit her role. No consultation whatsoever with me was made despite the fact at the time we could have really used the cash and I was still a month off receiving my first pay check. Her reason for quitting was that they took a shift day off her.

Around this same time she made a decision to start trimming her friend list. Slowly I saw her blow friends off one by one. Some of the reasons she used for ending the friendships were completely trivial. I was seeing a nasty side of her which would become more commonplace. In the space of two months she went from having around a dozen good friends to having no friends. She would get around 3-4 calls a day from friends. By the end of the year nobody would ring her. She would have me answer the calls and say whatever excuse she could think of.

The rest of this story can be read here: For better or worse, in my case worse

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